The Did You Know’s Of Baby Making

OK, so this blog post has very little to do with sex.. ha!

Basically, because I want to be a mommy so bad, I tend to learn a lot about child development and baby-making in general.

This is just what I learned.

DID YOU KNOW:
It is actually VERY important that that WOMAN cum during the baby-making. When a woman has an orgasm, it opens the uterus, which allows the sperm to get to the egg which needs to be fertilized in order to produce offspring. Women who have trouble coming during sex are advised to think of OTHER PEOPLE while copulating so to better stimulate them into having an orgasm, thereby insuring that the child is conceived.

DID YOU KNOW:
When two mixed people- providing that they are the same mixed races, i.e. half white/half black, they CAN actually have a child completely white/black. If you think, this actually makes sense. Put the races into the hereditary punnit square and you see that there is actually 50% that the child will turn up fully one race.

DID YOU KNOW:
IT IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE for a woman to have twins with TWO DIFFERENT FATHERS!! Yeah, I know, but my German teacher knew a girl who had twins, and one was white, while the other was mixed. My teacher asked about it, turned out that she had a threesome. She was white, and her partners were a white guy and a black guy… Different colored twins. Yeah, I know.

DID YOU KNOW:
If you talk to baby in the womb, or shine a flashlight on the tummy from a close distance, the baby will be intrigued and stay up as long as possible, which ensures that he/she will sleep more, and be less restless at night.

DID YOU KNOW:
Common myths to show the sex of your baby include peeing in a cup of Draino, or holding a pencil-on-a-string over the tummy. According to myth *I don’t know if they are true or not*, the hormones in the urine, combined with Draino turn the contents of the glass blue if it’s a boy, and black if it’s a girl. Also, if you tie a pencil/wedding band/needle/etc to a string then hang it above your belly while standing still then you can tell the sex depending on how the object moves. If the band moves in a circular motion it’s a girl, if it moves in a pendulum motion it’s a boy. Even though you’re staying still, your hand still moves in very light tremors; the pattern apparently shows the gender of the baby.

DID YOU KNOW:
If the mother gets stressed a lot during pregnancy, the baby may grow up to have an anxiety problem later in life. Also, if the mother, or the surroundings are stressful, then the fetus may get restless. This is true even if the baby is unable to sense his/her surroundings through sound and stuff; the stress in the mother affect the baby as early as 17 weeks in.

DID YOU KNOW:
ANY kind of music stimulates brain activity in the baby. Classical, Rock, Punk, Pop, whatever, if the baby can hear it it will stimulate the brain, making it easier for the baby to learn things once out of the womb. This is usually only said about Classical music, but as it turns out, a child who, while in the womb listened to emo-punk music did NOT turn out retarded compared to the Mozart baby. Also, if a baby hears continuous sounds during pregnancy, then even into infancy it will recognize and respond to the sounds. Like, if you live by the freeway, and the baby, while developing, continuously hears the cars, then once the baby is born she will be more easily relaxed when listening to the familiar sound of traffic.

DID YOU KNOW:
Sex during the ninth month of pregnancy is ACTUALLY GOOD! It stimulates the cervix, which can help in inducing labor. The uterus is very strong, and the baby CAN NOT feel when you have sex..except, you know, for the bouncing around but, that’s normal. Baby can’t be hurt when having sex, so go out, and screw your pregnant wives! They’re probably REALLY horny right now! If not, then they’re feeling self conscious, and the attention will be greatly appreciated.

I’m sure there are more facts, but I’m kind of on a time schedule here so I’m gonna go ahead and stop, ha.
I hope you enjoyed my random baby facts.
Happy Pregnancy!!

The Grammarful Dictionary of Kiwi

Have you ever heard someone talk, and instantly get confused when they use a term you don’t understand because they probably made it up? Well I haven’t, but people listening to me have.
So this blog entry is for those people. Those poor souls who, upon listening to me, get outrageously confused when I use odd terms that they’ve never head before. My odd terms. Odd terms that have meanings only to me and people who hear them repeatedly.
This is the Grammarful Dictionary of Kiwi. (I’m Kiwi btw, just to let you know)

***

Grammarful: Gram-mar-ful (Grahm-are-full)
-adjective
1.) To make fun of one who excessively uses proper grammar.
Ex: Augusta- And if you aint got none then you need to pick one up.
Kiwi- You can’t use the phrase ‘aint got none’. It’s a double negative.
Augusta- …Well! Aren’t you grammarful!?
2.) To sarcastically remark on one who excessively uses poor grammar.
Ex: Mark- Gonna unlock the key…
Kiwi- Really? You’re gonna unlock the key? Wow you’re grammarful today!

-

Ish: I-sh (ih-sh)
-adjective
-suffix
1. suffix) Commonly used ungrammatical suffix to indicate that the adjective in the sentence is only partially correct.
Ex: Kiwi- Eh, it’s goodish. *meaning that it’s OK, not necessarily good*
2. adj.) An adjective used by itself, to indicate that the adjective in the previous sentence is only partially correct.
Ex: Jon- How are you? *in context meaning ‘are you good?’, adj being good*
Kiwi- Eh, ish. *meaning ‘I’m ok, but not necessarily good*

-

Chuu: Ch-u-u *Ch-oo-oo* (extended ‘oo’ sound)
-interjection
1.) An interjection used to describe most feelings, such as those of general dissatisfaction(1), boredom(2), indecisiveness(3), mind numbing pleasure(4), and randomness(5).
Ex(1): Kiwi- Chuu! I’m so cold!
(2): Kiwi- *sitting on the computer with nothing to do* Chuu…
(3): Kiwi- *choosing something off a list* …Chuu. Do, do do, do…
(4): Kiwi- *in the midst of sex, unable to think* Chuu…!
(5): Kiwi- *while spontaneously hugging her friend* Chuu!

-

Lookit- Loo-k-it *looh-kiht*
-verb, command (compound word)
1.) a compound word combining the words ‘look at it’ into one word
2.) a verb/command meaning ‘look’ and/or ‘look at this’
Ex: Kiwi- *pointing* Hey, lookit! A giraffe!

-

Checkit- Ch-eck-it *cheh-k-ih-t*
-verb, command (compound word)
1.) a compound word combining the words ‘check it out’ leaving out the ‘out’.
1.) a verb/command meaning ‘check it out’
Ex: Kiwi- Checkit! I gots boobs!

-

Howssit- H-ows-si-t *hows-iht*
-compound word/phrase
1. a compound word meaning ‘how’s it going?’ Used as an informal greeting.
Ex: Kiwi- Hey, Chris. Howssit?

***

And there you have it. The incomplete dictionary of kiwi. Yes you may use these words. In fact, I encourage it!

Go.

Go now, and use the amazingly grammarful words you just learned and confuse all your friends. Then they can be grammarful too! And we can all live in a great big world of grammarfulness!

“Exuse me; Waitress..?”

I hate political correctness.
I loathe it with a passion- no seriously, I do.
Not just any political correctness, no, ’cause some of it is necessary. But political correctness when regarding women.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I can do without the unisex titles in life, thanks.
For example: When I get married, I want to be referred to as “my wife” not “my spouse”
I dislike the phrase “Spousal Abuse” because it’s just a politically correct term for “wife beating”. See? I’m a wife. I’m being beaten. Wife. Beating. ‘Cause really? What chick is gonna go around getting drunk and beating her husband? It’s not as often. But even still, that’s “husband beating”. Specifics matter, people!
Maybe I want to get a job in an office building. Maybe my job includes answering phones, and bringing my boss coffee. You know what that makes me? Administrative assistant? Fuck no! It makes me a secretary.
Maybe I want to work in food service. Maybe I want to serve food. Who am I? Server? Check it, I gots boobs, I’m a waitress.
Flight Attendant? No, again breasts: Stewardess.
Now I know with the whole feminist movement, women want equal pay, and non-discriminating job titles. But women are different. They are not the same as men, and personally, I prefer it that way, ’cause men kind of suck sometimes. Know what I would have done, instead of the unisex shit? Equal Pay. Plain and simple. No need to reform an entire language, because I’m not getting paid properly, just give me equal pay and I’m fucking fine.
So.
If you see me in Denny’s. And you want your check. Just for shits and giggles, whether I’m your server or not, call me over and say to me “Waitress, can I get my check please?”